Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal

Alan kan zichzelf beter uiten in het engels, dus uiteraard zullen deze berichten ook in het engels zijn

Feelings I can't clarify

I've never really done this before, expressing myself on paper. I've always expressed myself through the music I create but sometimes, even music is not enough. I know that there are people around me who will listen to me when I want to scream my heart out but I can't tell them. I just can't seem to open up for them, afraid that they might not understand me.
Because I know nobody will understand me.

Lately my heart feels heavy, as if there is a massive rock inside my chest. I know why, it's because of this fate I and Kanda carry. Actually it's his fate but in some way it's mine too. How could I ever go on without him? Untill this day on, he has never neglected me, has never left my side and always stayed with me, no matter what happened. He protected me against evil, even if I didn't appreciate it and just continued to smack him in the face. There's just this insane feeling of not being able to live through the day without him. I've been lonely for two years after I escaped from that damn organisation but I had never felt such a miserable feeling of... missing someone. It had been like a puzzle piece that was missing.

It's confusing, it really is. No matter how many times I've told myself that I don't care about that bastard, I still find myself clinging to him. And he just makes things worse by kissing me or... touching me! I know he does it on purpose. He just likes to mess with me, to confuse mr even more! And after a moment like that, I tell myself that I hate that bastard and then I cling to him AGAIN. There's something really wrong with me! How can I hate yet love someone? It makes no sense at all!

Oh no, instead of telling what happened today I've been chatting about my feelings. He he, well... I went to Oak's Field today, played poker and won multiple times. Of course, I've been cheating anf the guys suspected me of it but they haven't been able to prove it. Like no one can! After playing poker, I went to the candyshop, buying myself plenty of candy and after that I just went to my room, working on my Ancient Grenian homework. It's now 2 AM and I can't seem to sleep, AGAIN. This is going to be a boring night again. Luckily, the stars are visible. Maybe my eyes will get tired from counting them.

~ Alan Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

Trouble, trouble and... Trouble!

Ok, exactly why am I always the victim of harassment? Seriously, just WHY?

Today I met this guy everyone talks about. His name is Soh, he happens to be an ''angel'' and he sells all kinds of stuff, even the set of cards that I had lost! Truly, I would've been lost without those cards! But that aside, he was there in the hallway. And I was there too, just walking around, thinking about things and then suddenly he pushed me upon the wall, AROUND EVERYONE, and KISSED me. And afterwards he just walked away like it was nothing! Like he hadn't just kissed me and pissed off as I was, I smacked him across the face. Eat that!
Unfortunately he wasn't very pleased with it, except for the fact that he suddenly started to laugh after giving me a deathglare. I still don't understand why he laughed at me!

Why do people think it's necessary to pick me out of a whole group of people, only to mess with me? What's so special about me? I have a hideous deformed arm, a small and scarred body with a history full of battles, an ugly scar across my face and white hair! I'm not attractive at all. Why not pick the prettyboy over there, or the skanky girl that has been staring for a while! They have no mutilations or anything weird about them. Or do people of this generation think that mutilations are appealing? God, what's wrong with this universe? First a guy at a bar who tried to kiss me - I kicked him off his crutch, then Kanda who treats and uses me in an unappealing way - Actually, it could've felt nice if I had wanted it and if I wasn't bleeding afterwards! BLEEDING, and now it's an angel who kisses me randomly in the hallway!

Though I do have to mention that there was something extremely mesmerizing about that guy, and I don't say that very quickly! I'm not intending to hook up with anyone, not at all, but he was just... You know... Something you can't miss... Or something. Maybe my mind was elsewhere except for my brain... No, wait. It was his fault! He started smooching me in the corridor! In any way, he was very attractive and at the moment itself a little needy. Hmm, it certainly wasn't a smart idea to pull him along in the broom closet. Oh well, it's not as if something happened... Not at all!
Ok, there was quite a lot that happened there but I'm not going to write it down! Because he was needy and it was not my fault in the first place, and damn, if Kanda ever reads this he's going to kill the guy and afterwards, he will ~~rape~~ kill me! No, definitely not writing this down. Even if this is private, Kanda still remains to be a stalker. If he knows where I am at 2 PM, then he definitely knows where my... Oh no. He knows what happened. I'm dead. This might be my last journal entry.

I know how to solve this! I'll just run away with Timcanpy and take the shuttle to Cassia or Nova or something and change my name. Then I'll dye my hair and grow my hair long so that it can cover my scar. I'll continue my job as a clown, pay all the fines and maybe find shelter at a farm's or something. No one will ever find me! And IF Kanda finds me, he might've forgotten about this small occurence with Soh? I hope so.

But still, it wasn't anything bad I did! I'm sixteen, a BOY and still a teenager! If I had been a girl, then it would've been shameful for me to do something like that, but I'm just another boy. And like every teenager, I have needs too! I could care less if Kanda gets mad at me! I'm not his lover, nor his pet, NOR HIS TOY. If we had been lovers - oh, it would've been such a disgrace - I wouldn't be doing things like this. Now I still see myself as single. He has no reason to be mad at me. Hell, we're not a married couple or something... Though I do not understand my feelings for him. Just like I don't understand this itchy feeling in my stomach. It doesn't feel very nice. It feels like I really messed things up. Do I feel guilty? Have I been lying to myself, saying that this was nothing?
Who knows. The answer will be clear at long last.

~ Alan Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

Negau~

It's 3 PM right now, judging by the position of the moon. As always, I'm not able to sleep. The Scáth-spell that helped me getting the sleep I need doesn't work anymore. So the only thing I can do right now, is to tire myself dramatically. I'm planning to sneak to the gymnasium to train untill I collapse. That might grant me some sleep.

Kanda looks incredibly adorable when he sleeps. He's curled up like a kitten and his sleeping face is calm and peaceful. No frown, no petulant expression. If only he'd be like that when he is awake... No, things would be too confusing when he would be like that. I wouldn't even recognise him, I guess. For now, it's OK. The stars get boring at some point and the moon moves too slow, unlike time. Time goes by far too fast. If I don't look at the clock for a few minutes and I happen to wonder what time it is, it would be 4 PM already. Maybe it's my mind that's speeding things up, maybe not. I don't know, I am not aware of what I'm doing anymore. I'd rather go back to the Suasama and start killing again than to live through this ~~shit~~ hassle. See? It even affected my language! I became a foul mouthed brat ;_;

It's funny though. I mean, if some kind of annoying guy makes me aggresive and use bad language, then it must mean something, right? I'm quite aware of that, actually. Though it's not very good. It's contradictory of how people act when... they love someone. I have to admit, I do have some feelings for that guy. I can't seem to forget him, I'm completely unable to keep my eyes off him for longer than a minute and he makes me act so... different. Not in a positive way but it's just that tiny bit of hate that I still carry that makes the difference. Because Lord, he's annoying me so wickedly that it loosens my hands. Even though I don't mean it. I make it seem so but I don't mean it. I'm just literally tearing us apart with what I'm doing. I resist, or better said isolate myself from him, saying that I don't want anything.

But still, it's for one important reason: One of us is going to die. And when that time comes, it's better for us not to be together. It's better to not have such a strong bond. I know it will hurt terribly, far worse than the worst pains we've felt. I don't want to cause him that pain, nor do I want to feel that pain. It's selfish, I know, but I'm sick of feeling that way...
Sigh. I think I'm leaving to train now. I need to free myself from these thoughts, even if it's just for a little bit.
And I'll wish for all of this to be over.

~ Alan Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

Sharp edges~

I. Hate. The. Sun.
Seriously, I just wanted to sit outside, enjoy the sun and the nice weather, take a fresh breath of air and relax for a bit so I went to Kovomaka's Garden, found my place on a cute bench, and would you believe me if I said that the sun burned me in just half an hour? I know that I have a sensitive albino-skin which shouldn't be exposed to sunlight but really, I never knew it was that bad! My skin hurts. It really does. My cheeks are bright red - Only my face got burned, I wore concealing clothes and truly, it was a smart thing to do - and feels as if at least one layer had been scraped off with sandpaper and not only that, it feels as if I've gotten a facelift. Just from a half an hour sitting on a bench! I know it is my own fault but still I don't like sitting in a room and languish there while the sun is shining brightly and people laugh just as brightly outside.

Well, now I sit here in my room and sadly, the ice that I had used to cool my hot cheeks off melted and now my cheeks sting again. I know Kanda will laugh at me if he sees me like this, if not he would scold me for sitting in the sun. But I could care less, truly. Besides, I look a lot healthier with this red gloss on my cheeks so I guess that's at least a positive side? Even though it looks like I'm blushing. Ok, I honestly look a little stupid. Next time, I'm going to buy sunscreen factor 1000 or something. Or I'm just not going to sit in the sun at all but Lord, it felt so nice to feel the warmth. This just makes me hate sun, really. It feels so nice, but at the same time it hurts me.

The sharp edges do remind me of the relationship between me and Kanda, though. It's going a little better between us. I willingly HUGGED him today. He did not force me into a hug or anything. I did it all by myself. I don't know if that's a good thing. I mean, I hug every living creature on this earth with a few exceptions and I just hugged one of those exceptions. I've got to admit: It felt good. He smells very nice and somehow, I liked the hugging even more than when he kisses me. It brings me closure... Wait, I'm talking about Kanda AGAIN. How did I become so obsessed? I feel like some sort of fangirl!

Good, well... After nagging about the sun and the baka, I could write down something else. I got drunk. And not just a little bit but VERY drunk. I didn't know what I was doing and according to the guys, I had these sudden mood swings. First I was all giggly and happy and called Timcanpy anything except a golem, then I got all upset and started crying like a baby untill Flavio - a very nice guy who is stalked by Soh - took my bottle of vodka away and smashed it into the wall. I went from sad to an angry and some kind of horny bastard. Then I just... I assaulted him D: And after he started tickling me, I thought that he was going to murder me and... Oh Lord, it's so shameful! I am not going to get drunk ever again! Not after this idiotic performance! And the worst is, Soh put on plastic gloves and wanted to punish me in a very cruel way! Lucky for me, he didn't but I can feel it hurting down there by even thinking about it!

At least I met new people. I met Flavio, who hopefully has forgiven me for my stupid act. I like him. I haven't talked very much with him but he seems like a very nice guy. He's kind of cute too. I met Sasuke and I don't really know what to think of him. He is cursed too, just like Rhine! I'm so glad that me and Kanda are not the only cursed ones here. Oh, I like Rhine a lot. Rhine seems a little cold and kind of distant but I think she's very nice! I'm very glad that I'm meeting more people now! It has been so long since I have had friends, mostly because I was afraid that I might lose them just like I lost all of my friends except for Kanda and Naoko. Now I know that I won't lose them. It's safe here and if their lifes ever might be endangered, I will protect them with my life! I hate losing people and I'm not letting God take away more of my precious ones!

~ Alan Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

It's not just a life~

Today has been a horrible day to me. It started off well though. I had slept well for the first time in days, I had my old appetite back and my thoughts seemed to slow down a little. It was fine. Kanda pissed me off again but I shook that off soon enough. He thinks he can just go and murder people. As if I would let him! OK, I didn't mind it when Kanda killed off one of those pokerguys since they wanted to kill me anyway for cheating. But then he targeted a green-haired boy who clearly was kind of... I don't want to call him lunatic but he seemed like one. And then he just wanted to kill that guy! While he hadn't done anything wrong. It surely pissed me off, knowing that he mercilessly kills people without even caring a shit about them. It's cold and heartless.

After that small incident I went to Oak's Field, playing my favorite game again and of course I won the entire time. They clearly were pissed off but they couldn't do anything to me since fighting was forbidden in that pub. After a little while, I went away and did some arrands but soon I noticed that they had been following me. They pulled me into an alley and wanted to kill me or something. I don't know. I wasn't too impressed by them untill I noticed that they had knives. I had no knife since I am a full-fledged sword-user. So I pulled out my sword and I could tell they were a little scared because of me holding a gigantic sword. Still they were stupid enough to fight with me.

Untill it went terribly wrong. I had knocked two of them unconscious, had three more to go and as I swung my sword towards a guy - with the intention to let the flat side of the blade slam into his head so that he would be knocked unconscious - but the other guy distracted me. I sort of lost the angle and it soon chopped off the head of the guy. And truly, I had never felt so bad as then. I knocked the other guys unconscious and ran away as quickly as I could. I was so upset and I still am. I feel so bad for killing the guy, even though the guy was trying to kill me. Maybe the guy had a wife and children, maybe he didn't deserve death? And even though everyone told me that it was not my fault and that people like that don't deserve to life, it didn't ease my thoughts. It's not just a life that can be taken away whenever someone feels bored and feels like going on a killing spree. A life always has a meaning and should be taken away in the good and natural way. Not by some bored assasin. It's true that some people are so bad that they don't deserve to life, but I don't think that way. People are not born evil. We all start off the same: An innocent little baby.

It's 22:35 right now. I think I'm going to grab some sleep, if I'm able to. Kanda is still meditating. He looks peaceful. I like him when he looks like that.

~ Alan Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal _timcampy__by_toniworld

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Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal

Words that cannot be spoken~ Alan's Journal

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