Astrea,

I know that, in the first place, this is completely stupid. You are no longer here dead. It will never reach you, it doesn't matter if you have returned into some form of entity, which I doubt, you were very clear on how you wanted to live your life, but I need to get this off my chest.
In the second place that his is stupid, is that it, this letter, could get into the wrong hands. And Gods know what will happen then. The clergy is all focused on the future, so who knows what they will do to Eden me if they find out I am dwelling on the past.
But to be frank, I miss you. I miss you more than I want. I should hate you. I should hate you for everything what you have done to me, what you have gotten me into, for giving me Eden but I can't.
The days seem longer and longer without you and I can't help it. I can't calm my thoughts. They are like a storm, swirling inside my head, looking for a way out. But there is none. And you are not there to calm me, to relieve me. To make sure that I won't stay up the whole night, again, dwelling on petty worries and things that do and should not matter.
Maybe I should also be sorry, for not getting us out in time. For not seeing the warnings, for thinking that everything would get solved before anything bad could reach us. I was am arrogant, just like you were. And still I haven't learned my lesson.
If you could see me now, would you be proud? Would you miss me? Would you still love me? Would you have gone on the journey with me, if you would have been allowed? Would you have taken my place? All these questions. They don't matter. You are dead and nothing can change that.
But they will continue to linger in my mind. That's why I write it all down, so I don't forget. You shouldn't be forgotten Astrea, maybe you should and I will make sure of that.
I haven't forgotten how to play your music piece, but I don't want to play it, afraid of what people might ask. They don't need to know. Because you are mine as I am yours.

Forgive me,

Alpha

P.s Last time I saw Eden, he said hi. He hopes you liked the drawing he made.

Astrea,

How long has it been? six hundred and one days How long have I ignored the urge to put this on paper and risk another punishment. You have been dead for four hundred three years now. You have given me this life for four hundred and one. I am still deciding whether I should be happy about it or not. But I keep coming to the conclusion I am not. Just like you were. Is it wrong for me to still miss you?
Eden knows. I know he knows, but he does not show. The boy is so strong and he has your eyes. Every time I look at him, he reminds me of you. And every time I look at him I long for you more. A part of me still does not believe you are dead, a part of me tells me that something is not right about all of this. What if you are still alive? What if you lied? But I guess it is just my mind playing tricks on me. It are thoughts that no longer matter. What matters now is that I must continue to believe in us my faith and that someone, somewhere means well for me.
The longer I stay on this wretched planet, the more I become to believe that this life is not for me. The Order of Mastera is unyielding and sees everything. Every day I stray further from an exit. I am afraid, Astrea. I am so afraid that There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. So I wish there will be one for Eden. And if not, I will be his light.
Will there be a day where I will not miss you? Will there be a day where I will not damn you for what you did? You make my thoughts collide like water and fire, you make me confused and blind in the dark. You make me everything I do not want to be and yet, I long for it. You are that one part in my life that is picture perfect that I do not want to lose because if I lose you, I do not know who I am anymore. They took my name, they took my identity, they took my life, they took Eden, but they cannot take you. Not anymore.
The longer I stare at these words, the more tongue-tied I become. I should stop this charade. Writing these letters solves nothing but finding answers to the burning questions in my mind and they never will.

I am so sorry.

Alpha