| Onderwerp: ~Nameless~ Prologue vr okt 23 2015, 17:19 | |
| Hay ^-^ So, here's the deal: Ik kreeg vannacht een droom. En natuurlijk krijgt iedereen wel eens een droom, ik had deze droom zelfs vaker gehad. Maar voor één of andere reden dacht ik: 'waarom niet uitwerken en een verhaal maken?', en dat is precies wat ik heb gedaan. Het is natuurlijk nog niet helemaal af, nog lang niet, het heeft geen naam, ik ben nog bezig aan het eerste hoofdstuk enzo voort. Maar nu bedacht ik dat het misschien wel leuk was op de prologue hier te delen, te zien wat jullie ervan denken en of jullie nog enige tips hebben. Dus dat is wat ik nu doe, this is my story: ps, het is alleen maar de prologue en het is in het Engels - Prologue:
It was dark while i waited for the new group to arrive. My cold hands were placed on the wall while I tried to focus on what was going on. But nothing happened. And while others may be reassured by something like this, i wasn’t. No, they were never this late, the only time that they were, was years ago, when they tried to experiment. That year was aweful, a year that everybody tries to forget. That’s why a cold chill started to run down my spine while I looked down at my watch. It may have been to dark to see what time it was exactly, but i saw enough to know that their were at least a half hour behind their normal harvesting schedule. That is why my heart almost stopped beating from relief when the door opened. First there entered two guys, the same guys that always come in first. Because of all the darkness I could never tell how they looked like. All that i could tell you is that the one was lean and very thin with no hair on his head while the other guy was a little shorter, also pretty thin and with a beard. Next came the part where i was waiting for, the girls. One by one i saw them enter, their hands tied behind their back and their gaze fixed on the ground as if their lives depended on it, and it did. Besides one of the girl was walking another man, this one was shorter but more muscular than the one’s that walked in the front. This made me frown because i knew that this could mean one of two things. The first one is that she tried to escape, the second option consists out of her acting like a brat. Maybe it was both, but my hope went out to the first option, because then things might work out. Otherwise i knew i was just waiting for another capture to happen. But that where worries for later, now i had to look at the others. I couldn’t see much so i had to take a guess from the limited things that i could get to know while looking through a peephole in the wall. The one was skinny while the other was long, some where build wider while others where small, may it be because of fear or just in general. All in all i was as happy as someone could be in this living hell. There was one thing though that i was truely happy about, and that was the fact that there where only seven girls. I was afraid that they had taken one or two extra, but it seems like they where just running late. I almost wanted to sigh out of relief when i realised that, but i didn’t. No, they didn’t know about me being here and that is how it had to be if we wanted to survive. For a quick second my eyes went to the two guys at the door, the last two guys that entered. They were of average height and i couldn’t tell anything else because of what they were wearing and how they were standing. One of them started talking, explaining what was happening, explaining their little ‘game’ ,as they liked to call it. It was an explanation that i had heard to many times, one that i used to sit through to remind me of all that was at stake. But i ended that a while ago, knowing that sitting here and listening wouldn’t change anything. I knew what was happening and i knew that the best things for these girls, no matter how hard it was, was to leave them behind for now. It wouldn’t change if i waited here, i couldn’t help them anyways. So instead i turned around as quietly as i possibly can and started to sneak away, two walls brushing against my arms the whole time and almost giving me a claustrofobic feeling.
Thanks for reading it ^-^ en sorry als er wat spelfouten in zitten, mijn computer zegt dat alles in het Engels fout geschreven is, dus ja... xAlexx
Laatst aangepast door Alex op vr okt 23 2015, 18:44; in totaal 1 keer bewerkt |
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PROFILEReal Name : Pom Posts : 261 MAGICIAN✦ CHARACTER ✦Magic: AardeKlas: Partner: This tug of war; I'll always win; even when ur right.
| Onderwerp: Re: ~Nameless~ Prologue vr okt 23 2015, 17:43 | |
| In principe leuk geschreven, je beschrijft veel en dat is nice~! Ik zou wel toch een beetje aanraden om een spellingscheck er overheen te smijten, voor de fouten die er in staan xD bv. Where vs were to vs too Their vs there
En als laatste tip in het algemeen; probeer de tijd een beetje hetzelfde te houden. Dus niet van toekomst naar verleden, naar toekomend etc.
Hoop dat je wat met de tips kan~ Verder ben ik benieuwd naar de rest ;D Pom ~ |
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Master Savador
PROFILEReal Name : Saf Posts : 14626 Points : 0 MAGICIAN✦ CHARACTER ✦Magic: Dark // FireKlas: Teacher FireMagicPartner: ♛ Seven Devils all around you
| Onderwerp: Re: ~Nameless~ Prologue vr okt 23 2015, 18:32 | |
| Oui, bovenstaande! En verder is het een must om getallen uit te schrijven, wil je er ooit iets mee doen, en om de hoofdletter bij 'I' niet te vergeten. Verder is het goed en overzichtelijk geschreven en dat is toch altijd wel een groot pluspunt~ |
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| Onderwerp: Re: ~Nameless~ Prologue | |
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