Ik was er nooit een voor het bijhouden van een dagboek. Heb ik ook nooit gedaan. De chaos maande me tot rust. Het leerde me denken. Complete stilte maakt gek...
Maar wanneer je niemand meer hebt om je gedachten mee te delen, dan begon je tegen jezelf te praten. En dan kom je erachter dat je misschien niet zo'n goede luisteraar was als je wel niet dacht te zijn.
Het is moeilijk om logica te houden in een hoofd dat overstroomt. Fragmenten uit het verleden beginnen samen te vallen met beelden uit het heden totdat de scheidingslijn zo dun is dat je niet meer weet wanneer je leeft. Of je leeft. De dag dat pijn niet langer prikkels stuurt naar je hersenen maar je op de grond laat liggen. Verlamd en vergeten. Ik denk niet dat ik deze woorden bewaar. Niemand hoeft ze te lezen. Dit zal ongetwijfeld straks direct het vuur in gaan. Dan maakt het verder ook niet meer uit wat ik opschrijf.

Waar ik gek van wordt is niet het feit dat ik je niet kan vinden. Ik ga er niet vanuit dat jij nog ergens hier bent. Het is de onwetendheid, dat raadselachtige dat eigenlijk altijd om je heen heeft gehangen. De laatste keer dat ik je zag was je niet meer dan een schim geweest. De scharlaken rode blinddoek zal wel nooit uit mijn geheugen verdwijnen. Soms zie ik hem nog als ik mijn ogen sluit. Het was mijn laatste verbinding met de buitenwereld. Daarna werd ik blind, doof en stom. Ik weet ook niet wat ik gezegd zou hebben tegen je als we elkaar wel weer hadden gezien daarna. Verwijten maken, daar was het te laat voor. Dat had ook geen zin meer. Misschien is het ook maar beter dat we elkaar niet gezien hebben. Die laatste blik had meer kunnen zeggen dan we misschien hadden gewild. Zelfs toen gaven we het niet toe. Alleen maar strak voor je uit blijven kijken. Wat ik er wel niet voor had gegeven om dat zwijgende houten blok weg te trappen, mijn vleugels te spreiden en een storm op te roepen dat de hele stad zou hebben weggevaagd. Maar mijn benen voelde vastgeroest. Ik had de kracht niet die ik nu wel heb. Waarom kan ik dat beeld niet loslaten? Kan ik jou niet loslaten? Vergeef je me voor al onze ruzies? Onze littekens. Ik weet niet of ik dit nog lang volhoud op deze manier. Ik voel mijn geest brokkelen. Hoe lang nog voor ik je niet meer herken? Ik had beter daar bij jou kunnen sterven...

Let's go in the garden...

... you'll find something waiting.
Right there where you left it.. lying upside down.
When you finally find, you'll see how it's fading.
The underside is lighter.. when you turn it around

Lezen op eigen risico:

Everything stays, right where you left it.
Everything stays, but it still changes.
Ever so slightly, daily and nightly.
In little ways... when everything stays.

I must be such an inconvenience to you!

Well...
I'm just your problem.
It's like I'm not even a person, am I?

I remember the rain. I remember the sound it made, like drums on the wooden roof of the cottage. I believe it was that sound what woke me up. I stared at the ceiling for quite some time. In thought I felt paralyzed. I guess I was able to move, but my brain just couldn't be bothered. I remember a pain in my chest. It hit me with every breath I tried to suck in. Like my skin was burning. I didn't dare to move. I didn't even dare to think. I had no idea where I was. Just that I wished I was dead.
It must've been hours before I first heard the creaking of the door. She was an older woman. Not in her face, but I could see it because of how she walked. She did not look at me, only muttered something about the rain. I wanted to sit up straight. To ask her where I was. Who she was. What had happened. But the moment I moved, I could only scream. Imagine to have your body pierced, burnt an ripped apart. Then you have a pretty good idea of how I felt. Now she looked up at me, spoke no words. She slowly raised her hand, her bony finger pointed at me. 'Don't you dare to move! Don't you damn dare!
That's what she said. Her voice sounded thin and breakable, but her grip when she pushed me down on the bed again was inhuman. She walked away, and came back, not long after. She held something in her hand. What, that I could not see. With one hand she held me down, while the other forced something slimy, something bitter, down my throat. I swallowed. I had no choice. Every bit of strength I had used to fight her was gone. My thoughts became hazy. I know she was there. I suspected she was... examining me. I hope she was...
At that point I couldn't care less what she was doing or who she was. I think I saw bandages but I'm not sure.
She left...
I was alone again in, what I thought was, her house. Whatever it was she gave me, it's effects slowly faded. The pain returned. Although less intense than before. With the pain, my sanity came back as well. When I lifted the blanket I saw my body covered in emergency bandages. My mind drew a complete blank though.

She came back every now and then. To check on me. But she never said much. A few times I heard her whisper to herself; Diu'ant'rah. He who sleeps below the earth. He who is the eater of souls. She was afraid om me, that much was clear. Diu'ant'rah, who asks a certain price from them who are foolish enough to serve him. He takes their limbs. He takes their magic. He takes the colour of their eyes...
She would be no help. I tried to remember on my own.

After a few days I could walk around again. I found out her name was Damra. She lived somewhere on Agasta, Puffoons largest mountain. Hal had brought me to her. He had left me a note which Damra was hiding from me. Damra was a friend of Byr. She had no idea who I was, but was asked to help me since I was mortally wounded after a fight. It certainly explained the pain and the bandages. Struck down by lightning.
I stayed a few more days, more out of necessity than free will. I felt useless. It would have been better if I actually had died. One day Damra told me to go. No explanation, no last words to finish treatment. Just... go. So I left. Without even looking at her. I think she felt relieved to see me go.

I remember the rain. I remember it's icy embrace when I stepped outside to start my search for the Ásatrú. Unforgiving, yet I had missed her. She kept me company. And now she was with me during my departure. The air is electric. She wants to destroy. To demolish. She's hungry. So am I...

I shouldn't have to justify what I do.
I shouldn't have to prove anything to you.
I'm sorry that I exist, I forgot what landed me on your black list.
But I'm just your problem.

What will you do when they shoot your high horse.

Whatever happened to all of your rules.
What will you do when you see me in the street.
Will you see me?

This is not a nice one:

This town, isn't big enough, for the ghost of us.
There will not be place enough to hide away.
People here will ask you where I am each day.
This town.

I was waiting for you all my life.

You didn't have to look my way.
Your eyes still haunt me to this day.
but you did..

You would have followed me to the end of the universe. You wouldn't even have questioned it. You would have stood by me until the very end of life itself. I know you would've. That is what I regret. It was never my place to ask such a big sacrifice of you. It was selfish of me to accept that devotion. I should've stopped you. But I couldn't. I wanted you near me. I needed you near me. As close as possible. To assure me what we did wasn't wrong. To remind me of my humanity and to keep me from losing my sanity. I betrayed you. I hurt you in ways you can't even comprehend. And I secretly hope you never will. I didn't come back out of guilt. If anything, the guilt would have pushed me as far away from you as possible. But this time.. you were the one that needed me. I had to be there for you. For however long it might've taken. I would have protected you for an eternity...

In those silent days I often found myself reminiscing the past. Our past. How I couldn't stand the very sight of you when we just met. It's hard to even think there was I time I absolutely despised you. Maybe I was just jealous. You were new with us. And you carried a lot of anger inside of you. Anger that you somehow fueled into energy.. which transformed into power. I was jealous of how easy everything came to you. How natural you were at almost everything you tried. Although I never realized how difficult everything really was.
I was certain you felt the same hate towards me. Now I can finally laugh about how wrong I was back then. You showed me friendship that I had never experienced before. My hatred melted away.. and something new formed. Affection. I couldn't imagine not being with you anymore. You taught me how it felt to fly, even though I did not own any wings. My affection turned to love. I was scared to death you would find out. You would hate me again... I would lose you. Or so I thought. I never expected you to kiss me back the way you did.

I think back about how hard it was to keep everything a secret. How just looking at you could betray us. You were like a forbidden addiction I didn't want the cure to. It got easier eventually. Or we were just better at hiding it. But I remember those long nights. I loved to listen to every word you had to say. I loved your silence just as much. I'm sorry for the fights we had. And that it took me so long to finally see how pointless they were. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You tried to warn me that we went to far. I was blind. By fury. By greed. I sacrificed us all. No... I sacrificed you all. That is the cruel part of the story. The point where I get to live and you all faded away. Forgotten. Simply.. names in a register. It torments me every day. It haunts me every night. There is no place.. not on any of the seven planets.. where I can find my peace. So all I can do is watch over you now. Keep you safe.

I hope you can forgive me. For cheating death yet again. For betraying you by marrying her. For having the family we never could have. For doing all the things I did after we were seperated. I came back for you. You know I could never truly leave you. You're a part of me. You always will be. Even as I am standing here now.. I somehow hope you are noticing my pressence. Maybe you can hear my heartbeat in there. Maybe you can hear my voice. The ice that withholds me from touching you cannot hold forever.. right? I hope I will still be around to see it. The moment when you open your eyes again. When I can see your smile again. But until that day comes.. I will guard you. I will watch over you and make sure you stay safe. I promise...

- Haraldur

 

Oh turpentine erase me whole.
'Cause I don't want to live my life alone.
Set me free..