‘I’ll turn your tears into roses,’ he laughed, though he was confined to his wheelchair, though his life was seeping away every second he even tried to smile. I squeezed his hand, not able to let go in order to wipe the salty tears off my face. I couldn’t. ‘No, no,’ I answered, not sure what I was denying. I’d always liked his presence, how he could come close and conceal us from the world. People could say all they wanted, I just didn’t hear. And I refused to answer. My throat was squeezed shut so tight by an overwhelming power, all the tears that were cascading down my cheeks weren’t enough to express the black, cold emptiness I felt inside. Why was I feeling so… lifeless? Only the hand that squeezed his felt warm, alive. I quickly looked into his eyes to get some of his life heat into my heart, I needed it more than ever now. It didn’t help really, though I was craving for something, for a light to scare away the darkness inside. I felt so… overwhelmingly empty. As if I had tasted total defeat and wasn’t able to stand up again, to something horrible I had to face alone. I lacked the strength, I simply couldn’t get on my feet and walk on, alone.
Time. Tick, tick. Tick, tick. It goes on and on and on, it slips through your fingers and before you know it, nothing is left. ‘Everything turns to dust,’ I whispered, for no good reason it seemed. ‘What are you saying!’ He protested, his smile still bright, as if he wanted to convince me of how stupid my words were without saying a thing. Why didn’t anyone speak to him now? He’d spoken so loud, I had expected the whole crowd behind me to hum and react as if they were extremely annoyed, just like people can when they pack together. But they didn’t. They were surprisingly silent. ‘Nothing will turn to dust,’ he stated firmly, took my hand into both of his. Everybody behind me was so silent, they didn’t move, they were all staring at some point in front of them. I was just getting aware of music, soft tones were floating through the air and landed in my ears, just as the words landed on his tongue. ‘No, you’ll never be alone, when darkness comes I’ll light the sky with stars… Hear my whispers in the dark,’ he sang. A song not very appropriate, someone had told me: okay, it was rock for sure, but this was a piano version. He had adored the song and so had I. He’d asked me to play it when…
Tears were rolling down, down, my eyes felt stingy and were bloodshot. It wouldn’t surprise me if I’d be crying tears of blood by now, for some reason. For him. He sang on. No one responded, they just listened to the music and ignored him. Well, it didn’t bother me. My best friend, he’d always been there for me it seemed. If I’d been more into spiritual stuff, I would have said he was my soulmate or something. Ah well, I knew he didn’t like such stuff. ‘Hey, stop crying,’ he whispered, finally lowering his voice. ‘I… I am trying,’ I tried to say, but it just came out as more tears and snot. His arms were now wrapped around me, it should’ve comforted me but it just made me feel more insecure. Something was wrong.
‘It’s your turn,’ he finally said. ‘What?’ I looked up again, almost had my voice back to speak more than one word. ‘Your turn,’ he repeated gently. I kept staring, what in the world could he mean? I didn’t understand! ‘Get up,’ he encouraged me. ‘Off you go. You just need to lay down the flowers over there, then say something. That you’ll never forget me, yes, say that!’ His eyes got a somewhat sad expression in them, his smile grew fainter. ‘C’mon dear.’ His hand, one hand, let go of mine. I gasped, tried to claps my fingers around his. ‘Just promise you’ll never forget me and go,’ he insisted. How could he sound so strong, so determined? Trembling, shaking, I could barely stand but I tried to. My knees felt so weak, I felt so hollow. We were still touching, our fingertips stroked past each other. My gaze was turned forward and I walked, I walked.
I wanted to take the flowers, the flaming red roses, when I realised his hand did no longer hold mine. With the roses in my hand I suddenly stopped myself in the middle of going forward, turned around with a ghastly white face. Everybody stared at me, but I didn’t see them. I didn’t see anyone. ‘Where are you?!’ Insecurity, my heart pounded and tears now flooded down my cheeks, dripped freely on the roses. He wasn’t there. All that was left was the audience, the music, the coffin behind me. I didn’t want to, couldn’t even turn around. My knees gave in and I crashed down on the floor, a terrible scream left my throat, my hands gripped in my hair and I cried, I cried, I cried.
The roses had fallen on the ground, but I barely noticed. I let myself fall, my face next to the roses on the dirty floor. He hadn’t been there. Never. All that would be left of him after today were mere ashes, he would be…. Gone. The thorns were trying to pierce my skin but I didn’t move, for a final whisper lingered in the air around me, touched my heart; ‘… I’ll turn your tears into roses…’